Nobody’s life is perfect. Why do I expect mine to be? I act as if I’m not allowed to forget a birthday, feel inadequate, unsure, or awkward, yell at the kids, or God forbid make a decision that no one agrees with. Why do I constantly strive for the well wishes of others. Why am I always worrying about what others may think or say about my choices. Maybe it’s because there is always someone with something to say. So I guess the best question is, why do I care so much?
Back Home July 21, 2007
Well, S is back home after all that has happened. I keep trying not to tell myself what a fool or how gullible I am. Does it make me a fool or gullible because I want my family together? Whether it does or not, here we are. I have one of two choices. I can either accept what happened,learn from it, and move on, OR I can keep wallowing in self-pity and drive myself nuts over what happened. I am not going to wallow in pity so I guess I have no choice but to move on.
I thought hard about how things would be now that S is back. Will we be walking on eggshells? Will things be awkward? Or will we move on like nothing happened? I just hope I can get past this. I have to, because if I don’t my marriage is doomed. Some would probably say that it’s already doomed. But I have to do all I can to try to make it work. I have to be true to my vows. And if in the end things don’t work out, I will know in my heart that I gave my all and my conscience can be clear.
The issue with the apartment worked out. B decided he would move in. I guess I can handle him being a few miles away. That’s better than being all the way in Cali. And this will prevent any more credit problems. Now, I just have to see if I REALLY want what I’ve been begging…
Wow! Can’t believe it’s been so long… July 2, 2007
…since I’ve posted. Not much different has been going on. S and I are still doing the dating thing and it’s still going better for him than me. I still find myself crying alot. Why I keep doing it to myself, I don’t know. He has been asking me to spend the night on his off nights. We’ve even gotten intimate…twice in the same week!!! Go figure! It seems he’s trying to make an effort to show me that he wants to be with me, but I want him home! I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I wonder if this consumes his mind every minute of the day as it does mine. I wonder if he lies in bed and cries his eyes out because he’s not home with his family. I wonder if lies in bed and wonders if his wife is holding another man. I wonder if he misses holding his wife at night. I wonder if he…YEAH RIGHT! He left didn’t…he!!! I’m going to log off and cuddle my baby to sleep. He’s been calling for me for minutes now and I’m going to get off of this damn computer…