…since I’ve posted. Not much different has been going on. S and I are still doing the dating thing and it’s still going better for him than me. I still find myself crying alot. Why I keep doing it to myself, I don’t know. He has been asking me to spend the night on his off nights. We’ve even gotten intimate…twice in the same week!!! Go figure! It seems he’s trying to make an effort to show me that he wants to be with me, but I want him home! I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I wonder if this consumes his mind every minute of the day as it does mine. I wonder if he lies in bed and cries his eyes out because he’s not home with his family. I wonder if lies in bed and wonders if his wife is holding another man. I wonder if he misses holding his wife at night. I wonder if he…YEAH RIGHT! He left didn’t…he!!! I’m going to log off and cuddle my baby to sleep. He’s been calling for me for minutes now and I’m going to get off of this damn computer…
Crying… June 7, 2007
Okay, after a few days of doing great, I’m sitting here in tears and I really don’t know why. Well, I do…I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I don’t know what brought this on. I was sitting here reading one of my March Mommies blogs about her new baby and all of a sudden I’m crying! When will it end? I hate this and it’s all out of my control. There is nothing I can do to resolve this and I feel like sadness is going to overtake my life until it is resolved. This is not how I pictured my marriage. I WANT IT OVER!!!!!!!!!! God, please bring my family back together. Please bring my husband home. Please!!!
Today was a pretty good day. The boys and I stayed at S’s (still have a hard time saying that) last night. I enjoyed the time that we spent together, and of course so did the boys. We didn’t do much of anything, but the time together was good. We went for a ride on the motorcycle last night – an adrenaline rush for me. He brought us home before he went to work.
Believe it or not, I went to workout today! I met Metrice at LA Fitness for a kickboxing class. Boy am I out of shape! It was tough but I finished it! I actually felt good afterwards. I also got a membership. Another one of those things to pass time and keep my mind off of things. (I seem to be trying to do that a lot.)
Today was a good day.
Hanging Out June 4, 2007
Will I ever get used to this “hanging out” idea? I enjoy the time that I spend with my husband. But I want to spend it with him at home. I hate the idea of our time together ending and we go to different places and sleep in different beds. Although I did better yesterday. We hung out all day before he went to work and it really didn’t bother me much. Could I be getting used to this? If so, is that a good thing? How could it be? I only see distance driving us further apart instead of bringing us closer together. We will see if absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. With my pessimistic personality – that I’m trying to work on – you know my expectation!
What is MY lesson in all of this? June 3, 2007
I have been trying to figure out what it is that I’m supposed to be learning from all of this. I feel like I’m being persecuted for something I didn’t know. I tried the best that I could to be a good wife. I do admit that I was not perfect, but I did the best that I could without having an example to follow. I was raised by a single mother all of my life and not all of the relationships that I saw my mother have were the healthiest. In my marriage, I always tried to put S first and make him feel loved and appreciated. I guess I didn’t do a good enough job because it didn’t keep him home.
I keep praying for grace, mercy, strength, and guidance. I keep waiting, listening for a voice to tell me what to do. But I keep getting nothing in return. The story of my life, so I don’t know why I keep expecting anything different now.
4 days later May 30, 2007
and this whole thing is proving to be harder than I anticipated. It tears me apart to spend time with my husband and then at the end of the day we are going to bed in separate houses…separate beds. I think this is hurting me more than if he’d have just said that he was done and didn’t want our marriage anymore. At least that way I’d know EXACTLY where I stand with him. I mean, he’s not even wearing his wedding ring anymore. And that really hurts me. I can’t stop crying even though I am tired of crying. I’m trying to be strong but I feel so weak. S asked me to be strong for him. But who is going to be strong for me? He’s getting everything that he wants out of this when my needs are being pushed to the wayside it seems. Of course I haven’t told him how I’ve been feeling about this. I think I’m too scared that if I do, it’s going to really be OVER! And I don’t want it to be. I want my husband and my family back! I’ve been praying about it and can’t come to any clear answers about what I’m getting from it or what I should do about this.
Different Parts of Me May 26, 2007
I feel as if I’m battling two beings within myself. Part of me wants to be so angry and bitter at S. But another part of me wants to understand. We talked face to face last night and again he reiterated that there is no one else in his life and that he doesn’t want anyone else. He wants me and we are still together…(just in separate places!) He just needs a little time to get himself together in order to be a better man, husband, and father because he doesn’t feel like he was doing a good job at either. I expressed my fears and concerns and he tried to put me at ease. He says that he still wants to move away together – our leases will be up about the same time. He still wants our marriage and our family. I really don’t know how I’m going to do with this. I’m trying. I broke down yesterday after dropping the boys off at his apt. He invited me up to calm down and although I swore I would not step foot in his place, I gave in. I figured I was already at the apts. after I’d said I would never know where they were…what the hell. He invited me to stay for dinner and then invited me to spend the night…the boys were there for the night anyway. We drank and talked and said we are going to be positive, get in church, get counseling, and work toward getting back together. He said that he wants me to start going out some and let him have a chance at taking care of the boys. As I said, I don’t know how I will deal with this situation because my heart aches whenever I see him, knowing that he’s going to leave. The different parts of me are at war!