Is we is or is we ain’t??? Well, as I sit here, I’m trying to stay level-headed and composed. It’s difficult to do but I can’t let me emotions get the best of me right now. For the past 2 weeks almost, we’ve been thinking that I’m pregnant again. The usual suspects are in play: missed period, appetite growing, breasts a little tingly, and frequent trips to the bathroom. However, both pregnancy tests that I’ve taken have been negative! I just don’t understand it! My last period was May 30, well to the best of my recollection – hadn’t quite started to track it since I wasn’t expecting this to happen so quickly and wasn’t even sure that I wanted to try again. But after realizing I’d missed my period, and of course S picked up on that little piece of information as well, I started to get excited. I even pulled out my stash of cloth diapers that we’d started to stock up on the last time I was pregnant. Trying to learn to fold and secure them. But now I don’t know if I will ever get to use them. I’m thinking about starting an auction on Ebay now just to get rid of them. I don’t want to go through this anymore.
Why has He forsaken me??? April 9, 2008
I can’t help but to feel like I’m being punished for something. I mean, this was the one time that my pregnancy wasn’t a “slip up.” Don’t get me wrong, I love all my kids with all the love that a mother could have for a child. But neither one of them were planned. Not that they weren’t wanted, but they weren’t planned.
The one time that we were actually wanting to get pregnant, something goes wrong! Was it something that I did? I can’t help but to think that. This is the second time that we’ve been through this and I don’t know why it’s happening to me. I’d already started to love this baby as if I was holding him/her in my arms. Now I will never get to hold her, kiss her, nurse her. My heart is breaking and I don’t know if I will be able to get over this. I’m 35 years old and this was supposed to be our last baby. But now what? We all know what the research says…women who have babies over the age of 35 have a higher chance of having a problem pregnancy.
It just seems like everytime I have something good going in my life, it’s yanked from under my feet. I guess I don’t deserve to be happy. It’s been proven time and time again. Maybe I should just stop trying to be happy and accept that my life is supposed to be anything but happy. His Word said that He would never forsake me. But why do I feel as if he has?
I’m losing my baby! April 8, 2008
Well, I went to the doctor today and the news wasn’t any better. The second blood test came back positive, but with very low levels of pregnancy hormone. The doctor’s exact words were “almost none existant.” We had the sonogram and he was unable to see the baby or even the sac and also confirmed that it’s not an ectopic pregancy. How can this be? I still feel pregnant!!! My heart is breaking in two! Dr. LaStrap said that either one of two things could be happening. Either I didn’t get pregnant when I think I did or either the pregnancy isn’t viable and I will miscarry. I’m pretty positive about when I got pregnant, so it’s not that. We had more blood work done and she told me to call tomorrow for the results. She said my hormone level is 35 and it goes up everyday. By tomorrow it should have gone up instead of down if this pregnancy has a chance. Something inside of me tells me that that isn’t going to happen. Nothing in my life ever works out the way I want. Why should I expect this to be any different. I’m devastated and can’t understand why bad things always happen to me. Have I been such a bad person that I don’t deserve to be happy? Once again, reality is smacking me back into the present!
I don’t understand how this could be. I take 3 HPT and they all come back positive. Go to the doctor today and get the worse news of my life. Their test was negative. I’m not understanding how this is so. I’m still having all of the symptoms of being pregnant. I’ve been sitting and crying my eyes out all day long. I’ve grown to love this baby already as if I was holding him/her in my arms. I just don’t understand!
S came home from work to be with me. He doesn’t know what to do for me. I’m trying not to cry because I know he doesn’t want me to. I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow for a sonogram and get the results of the blood test. I’m trying to keep my hopes up, but my heart is breaking all the same. Lord, why me?
Nervous…no symptoms April 2, 2008
Well, I’m pretty sure that I’m pregnant. After three different HPT test confirming it, I know I am. But I’m starting to get nervous because I’m not having many symptoms. With K, it seems like the nausea hit me the minute I found out I was pregnant. I mean, we should have taken out stock in Starlight peppermints!!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wishing that on myself. But I’m the biggest worry wart. I have been running to the potty quite frequently and my appetite has picked up. But no tender breasts and no nausea. Those are the tell, tell signs of pregnancy. And I don’t have either. Should I be worried? Am I rushing things? Should I be enjoying this symptom-free pregnancy while it lasts and let S continue to battle those issues for me…he’s been nauseated quite a bit. Hey, a thought…maybe this is a sign that it’s a girl!!! (Did I say that out loud???)
It’s Official March 29, 2008
Well, there is no more guessing. The 2nd and 3rd HPT are positive. Looks like we are expanding our family once again. You would think we’d be worried. But we are ecstatic! I think the best gift God could ever bless us with is a child. A tiny being to shape, mold, teach, and love. Someone who will love us unconditionally and not judge, despite how many times we show how unperfect parents we are. How could anyone be upset about that?
I do worry how K will react. He loves babies, but this particular baby will be invading HIS territory. He may not take to that too well. LOL Actually, I think he will be fine as long as we continue to give him his time. We also have to ensure that we spend QT with D as well. We are going to be some busy parents!
I’m anxious already. I love being pregnant. I’m looking forward to swaddling, nursing, burping, diapering…I’m weird like that I guess. It’s just that I think motherhood is an amazing job. As far as symptoms go, I’m not experiencing many yet. Outside of being a little tired more often, I feel great. No nausea…YET!!! But S has been a tad bit on the blah side. Better him than me! My day is coming!
As for Daddy…he couldn’t be happier! Although we know we are done after this. Financially we will not be able to have anymore babies, that is, unless we win the lottery!!! We’ve told a few people and most have been happy for us. D is happy and of course is hoping for a girl. Tonya actually spared us the dramatics and actually congratulated us and even said she is ecstatic! Go figure. I guess my lil sis really is growing up. She shocked me even more when she told me that she has been thinking she wants to have a baby! No way was I expecting that! But I think my sister would be beautiful pregnant and be a wonderful mother. Her and her SO have actually been looking at their options. As for Meme, well, let’s just say this has to grow on her. We haven’t been able to tell B yet. I wonder how he is going to take the news! I can just hear him, “Mother, I’m 20 and you’re still having babies!” LMAO…oh well…
A little dess than 8 months to go!
Woo woo woo woo wooooo! March 27, 2008
Okay…so now I am 10 days late! No sign of a period in sight! Only 4 more days in this month left. So I guess we better start making preparations.
Although we said we weren’t going to tell anyone, well our parents and Meme, we did! Well S told Meme – I wasn’t about to touch that one! LOL Of course my mom was happy – she loves babies. MIL was cool about it. She didn’t want to wait until the weekend to find out for sure, but she had not choice. S said she is going to have to wait until the weekend like everyone else. LOL Needless to say, she said we better get the test done Friday because she is going to call bright and early Saturday morning. And I know she is! The wait is killing me as well. I asked D hypothetically how he’d feel about another baby. I couldn’t believe he was happy about it. Now B and Tonya, thats another story all together. We will not mention it to them until we know for sure. (They may be kind of dramatic…lol)But I don’t think we are going to get a different outcome. I am pretty sure that I’m preggo…