Okay, after a few days of doing great, I’m sitting here in tears and I really don’t know why. Well, I do…I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I don’t know what brought this on. I was sitting here reading one of my March Mommies blogs about her new baby and all of a sudden I’m crying! When will it end? I hate this and it’s all out of my control. There is nothing I can do to resolve this and I feel like sadness is going to overtake my life until it is resolved. This is not how I pictured my marriage. I WANT IT OVER!!!!!!!!!! God, please bring my family back together. Please bring my husband home. Please!!!
Today was a pretty good day. The boys and I stayed at S’s (still have a hard time saying that) last night. I enjoyed the time that we spent together, and of course so did the boys. We didn’t do much of anything, but the time together was good. We went for a ride on the motorcycle last night – an adrenaline rush for me. He brought us home before he went to work.
Believe it or not, I went to workout today! I met Metrice at LA Fitness for a kickboxing class. Boy am I out of shape! It was tough but I finished it! I actually felt good afterwards. I also got a membership. Another one of those things to pass time and keep my mind off of things. (I seem to be trying to do that a lot.)
Today was a good day.
Hanging Out June 4, 2007
Will I ever get used to this “hanging out” idea? I enjoy the time that I spend with my husband. But I want to spend it with him at home. I hate the idea of our time together ending and we go to different places and sleep in different beds. Although I did better yesterday. We hung out all day before he went to work and it really didn’t bother me much. Could I be getting used to this? If so, is that a good thing? How could it be? I only see distance driving us further apart instead of bringing us closer together. We will see if absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. With my pessimistic personality – that I’m trying to work on – you know my expectation!
What is MY lesson in all of this? June 3, 2007
I have been trying to figure out what it is that I’m supposed to be learning from all of this. I feel like I’m being persecuted for something I didn’t know. I tried the best that I could to be a good wife. I do admit that I was not perfect, but I did the best that I could without having an example to follow. I was raised by a single mother all of my life and not all of the relationships that I saw my mother have were the healthiest. In my marriage, I always tried to put S first and make him feel loved and appreciated. I guess I didn’t do a good enough job because it didn’t keep him home.
I keep praying for grace, mercy, strength, and guidance. I keep waiting, listening for a voice to tell me what to do. But I keep getting nothing in return. The story of my life, so I don’t know why I keep expecting anything different now.