I feel as if I’m battling two beings within myself. Part of me wants to be so angry and bitter at S. But another part of me wants to understand. We talked face to face last night and again he reiterated that there is no one else in his life and that he doesn’t want anyone else. He wants me and we are still together…(just in separate places!) He just needs a little time to get himself together in order to be a better man, husband, and father because he doesn’t feel like he was doing a good job at either. I expressed my fears and concerns and he tried to put me at ease. He says that he still wants to move away together – our leases will be up about the same time. He still wants our marriage and our family. I really don’t know how I’m going to do with this. I’m trying. I broke down yesterday after dropping the boys off at his apt. He invited me up to calm down and although I swore I would not step foot in his place, I gave in. I figured I was already at the apts. after I’d said I would never know where they were…what the hell. He invited me to stay for dinner and then invited me to spend the night…the boys were there for the night anyway. We drank and talked and said we are going to be positive, get in church, get counseling, and work toward getting back together. He said that he wants me to start going out some and let him have a chance at taking care of the boys. As I said, I don’t know how I will deal with this situation because my heart aches whenever I see him, knowing that he’s going to leave. The different parts of me are at war!
Different Parts of Me May 26, 2007