and this whole thing is proving to be harder than I anticipated. It tears me apart to spend time with my husband and then at the end of the day we are going to bed in separate houses…separate beds. I think this is hurting me more than if he’d have just said that he was done and didn’t want our marriage anymore. At least that way I’d know EXACTLY where I stand with him. I mean, he’s not even wearing his wedding ring anymore. And that really hurts me. I can’t stop crying even though I am tired of crying. I’m trying to be strong but I feel so weak. S asked me to be strong for him. But who is going to be strong for me? He’s getting everything that he wants out of this when my needs are being pushed to the wayside it seems. Of course I haven’t told him how I’ve been feeling about this. I think I’m too scared that if I do, it’s going to really be OVER! And I don’t want it to be. I want my husband and my family back! I’ve been praying about it and can’t come to any clear answers about what I’m getting from it or what I should do about this.
Different Parts of Me May 26, 2007
I feel as if I’m battling two beings within myself. Part of me wants to be so angry and bitter at S. But another part of me wants to understand. We talked face to face last night and again he reiterated that there is no one else in his life and that he doesn’t want anyone else. He wants me and we are still together…(just in separate places!) He just needs a little time to get himself together in order to be a better man, husband, and father because he doesn’t feel like he was doing a good job at either. I expressed my fears and concerns and he tried to put me at ease. He says that he still wants to move away together – our leases will be up about the same time. He still wants our marriage and our family. I really don’t know how I’m going to do with this. I’m trying. I broke down yesterday after dropping the boys off at his apt. He invited me up to calm down and although I swore I would not step foot in his place, I gave in. I figured I was already at the apts. after I’d said I would never know where they were…what the hell. He invited me to stay for dinner and then invited me to spend the night…the boys were there for the night anyway. We drank and talked and said we are going to be positive, get in church, get counseling, and work toward getting back together. He said that he wants me to start going out some and let him have a chance at taking care of the boys. As I said, I don’t know how I will deal with this situation because my heart aches whenever I see him, knowing that he’s going to leave. The different parts of me are at war!
STOP TELLING ME TO PRAY ABOUT IT! May 21, 2007
THAT’S ALL THAT I’VE BEEN DOING AND LOOK WHERE IT’S GOTTEN ME!!!!
OF THIS DAMNED ROLLERCOASTER RIDE!!! WHY CAN’T I GET OFF OF IT?????????? Is this ALL that life consists of? I swear it doesn’t pay to do or TRY to do right. All I know is I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. FUCK BEING MARRIED! FUCK MEN! FUCK RELATIONSHIPS! FUCK IT ALL! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!
An Agency… May 9, 2007
B had an interview with the Kim Dawson agency and was accepted. So now he has an agenty – Jennifer. I don’t know how much I care for her yet. I’m unsure of her intentions in all of this. Is she really looking out for her clients? Does she really give her all in trying to get work for her clients? Is she as passionate about this business as my B is? So many other questions. I couldn’t really read her well, and I can usually pride myself on reading people pretty well. She is kind of abrupt, and I guess you have to be in that business. I just is looking out for what’s best for B just as I am.
While we were there, the receptionist, Debbie, go to know K pretty well. She made a friend for life, as we all know once K starts to like you. She took him around the facility and after that she couldn’t get rid of him. She said when we came in she actually thought we were coming for an audition for K and suggested that I send his photos. I think I might just do that, as well as D’s too. Who knows, all of the kids might be stars one day?!