Today is S’s birthday. We’re not doing much, just hanging out and watching movies. Spending some QT together. I think he noticed a few more gray hairs. LOL We spent some time talking and decided that we are going to move on in marriage. Forget all of the problems of the past. We are going to pick up and start anew. In this, we talked about renewing our wedding vows next year on our anniversary. The fact that we eloped and never had a wedding has always bothered me. In the beginning we were supposed to have a ceremony after we eloped, but as with everything else that got pushed to the wayside in the mix of all of life’s other chaos. Here we are 9 years later and that little tidbit still gnaws at me. I asked S if this is something he really wants to do and he said yes. I know he knows that I want a wedding, but I don’t want him to do it JUST for me. I want him to WANT it as well. Maybe I should stop questioning his motives and just be happy that he wants to do it. It could be a step in the right direction in our marriage. That’s it. I won’t question. I will just do as he asks me to do sometimes: don’t question, just do ask he asks…

Well, S is back home after all that has happened. I keep trying not to tell myself what a fool or how gullible I am. Does it make me a fool or gullible because I want my family together? Whether it does or not, here we are. I have one of two choices. I can either accept what happened,learn from it, and move on, OR I can keep wallowing in self-pity and drive myself nuts over what happened. I am not going to wallow in pity so I guess I have no choice but to move on.

I thought hard about how things would be now that S is back. Will we be walking on eggshells? Will things be awkward? Or will we move on like nothing happened? I just hope I can get past this. I have to, because if I don’t my marriage is doomed. Some would probably say that it’s already doomed. But I have to do all I can to try to make it work. I have to be true to my vows. And if in the end things don’t work out, I will know in my heart that I gave my all and my conscience can be clear.

The issue with the apartment worked out. B decided he would move in. I guess I can handle him being a few miles away. That’s better than being all the way in Cali. And this will prevent any more credit problems. Now, I just have to see if I REALLY want what I’ve been begging…

I realized that in the last post I forgot to mention that after S found out about Clarissa and I talking and about me finding out EVERYTHING, he suggested we move to Georgia…to start over…FRESH. Me, wanting to make things work, I agree. We decide to up and and move to Ga. He turns in his two weeks notice and I immediately start applying for teaching positions there AND email my resignation to Ms. Walker! Now in the mist of all of this, I start to feel as if I could be pregnant, which prompts a serious convo between S and I. One of the most important points being that I would be pregnant with no insurance. This one fact slaps us with a reality check. Again in deperation I rush to the computer to check for a read receipt on the email that I sent Ms. Walker. To my surprise AND LUCK, the email had been returned undeliverable…I’d sent it to the wrong email address! So we were saved there. Needless to say, S’s resignation letter had been accepted.

When I think about it, I really believe his resignation from his job had more to do with his embarrassment more than anything there. Here he’d been flaunting his relationship with is other woman at work around these people (at least that’s what she said) and she brings them with her to clear out his apartment! Anyway, after it’s all said and done, he’s unemployed and back with me…Hhhmmmpphhh…

…since I’ve posted. Not much different has been going on. S and I are still doing the dating thing and it’s still going better for him than me. I still find myself crying alot. Why I keep doing it to myself, I don’t know. He has been asking me to spend the night on his off nights. We’ve even gotten intimate…twice in the same week!!! Go figure! It seems he’s trying to make an effort to show me that he wants to be with me, but I want him home! I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I wonder if this consumes his mind every minute of the day as it does mine. I wonder if he lies in bed and cries his eyes out because he’s not home with his family. I wonder if lies in bed and wonders if his wife is holding another man. I wonder if he misses holding his wife at night. I wonder if he…YEAH RIGHT! He left didn’t…he!!! I’m going to log off and cuddle my baby to sleep. He’s been calling for me for minutes now and I’m going to get off of this damn computer…

Okay, after a few days of doing great, I’m sitting here in tears and I really don’t know why. Well, I do…I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I don’t know what brought this on. I was sitting here reading one of my March Mommies blogs about her new baby and all of a sudden I’m crying! When will it end? I hate this and it’s all out of my control. There is nothing I can do to resolve this and I feel like sadness is going to overtake my life until it is resolved. This is not how I pictured my marriage. I WANT IT OVER!!!!!!!!!! God, please bring my family back together. Please bring my husband home. Please!!!