Changes…how one deals with them determines ones outlook on life. Take me for instance. I would be one crazy lady if I wasn’t flexible and able to “roll with the punches” as the methaphor says. My life has been full of changes. Some welcomed, some not so. But I try to take them in stride.

My life, these days, have brought on more changes. The move back to Corsicana to live with my mom is the biggest. Now, looking back at our decision to do this, I can admit that our plan was well thought out. Or should I say, we thought it was. The thought in itself was a good one. Move back, stay with mom for about 8 months, save money, and then move back and buy our house. Well thought out plan right. But the best planned plans usually have cracks in them too. We didn’t consider the fact that my neice, Zariah, who’s temper tantrams can put Kyndal’s to shame, would work my nerves more than I care to tell. We didn’t consider that our living arrangements, in my mom’s computer room (the casino as she calls it due to the fact that she’s downloaded every slot machine and BINGO game that she can find on her computer and spends much of her time there, but I digress) that was transferred from a garage would be an ice box during the dead of winter and we would all suffer through colds, if not pneumonia, throughout the winter season. We didn’t consider that everyone would get used to me cooking and be expecting me to do so in the evenings after our long drive home. We didn’t consider that 8 months is an AWFULLY long time to live at my mother’s house and feel comfortable the way we would like. As I said, even the most thought out plans have holes. So needless to say, we are making preparations to move back to Funkytown. I know what you are thinking. We should stick it out in order to accomplish our goals right. That we are quitters and that we didn’t give it a chance. Well, be that as it may, we are making more changes to our plan.

Now, our moving back will definitely change our timeline for buying the house. This is the part that hurts me the most, but I will have to deal with it. When I look at it objectively, removing all of my emotions and wants from the picture, I realize that it’s the best move. Instead of rushing to a house, even with a little money in savings, we need to be completely prepared this time around. We need to be able to manage every aspect of home ownership. I don’t want us to make the same mistakes that we made the first time around. So we’ve decided to move back into an apartment for about 2 years. With the cut in money that we will be able to save since we will now have bills again, this will give us a longer time to save. It will also give Seon time to get in school. Dominic will once again be a part of our family as he should be. With our current living situation, we don’t get to spend as much time with him as we’d like and I can’t get involved with his school as much as I’d like. In the end, we think this will work better for us.

Everybody goes through changes, but we can choose to let life’s changes defeat us or work to our advantage. I choose the latter.

We hear alot of people talk about keeping it real. But I wonder how many people actually keep it real. I mean, could we handle being around each other if we “kept it real” all of the time. Could we handle the brutal honesty involved in “keeping it real”?

Well let’s see. Here’s some brutal honesty for your ass. Let’s keep it real.

1. I love being a mother, but sometimes my kids drive me nuts and I just want to drive away and not come back.

2. Being married does not get easier after 7 years. I now understand the saying “marry someone who loves you more than you love them.”

3. My oldest son is gay and it devastates the hell out of me.

4. Sometimes I think about calling the supernanny to help me get my house under control because I don’t feel like I can do it myself.

5. I am usually more sad than I am happy and I don’t know why. I’m not depressed, but just kind of blah.

I guess I better stop there. I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve jumped off the deep end (as if anyone really reads my blog, but just in case.) There will be more to come. We’ll let these marinate. If you think these were bad, just wait until you see the rest. Peace!

Nobody’s life is perfect. Why do I expect mine to be? I act as if I’m not allowed to forget a birthday, feel inadequate, unsure, or awkward, yell at the kids, or God forbid make a decision that no one agrees with. Why do I constantly strive for the well wishes of others. Why am I always worrying about what others may think or say about my choices. Maybe it’s because there is always someone with something to say. So I guess the best question is, why do I care so much?

Well, S is back home after all that has happened. I keep trying not to tell myself what a fool or how gullible I am. Does it make me a fool or gullible because I want my family together? Whether it does or not, here we are. I have one of two choices. I can either accept what happened,learn from it, and move on, OR I can keep wallowing in self-pity and drive myself nuts over what happened. I am not going to wallow in pity so I guess I have no choice but to move on.

I thought hard about how things would be now that S is back. Will we be walking on eggshells? Will things be awkward? Or will we move on like nothing happened? I just hope I can get past this. I have to, because if I don’t my marriage is doomed. Some would probably say that it’s already doomed. But I have to do all I can to try to make it work. I have to be true to my vows. And if in the end things don’t work out, I will know in my heart that I gave my all and my conscience can be clear.

The issue with the apartment worked out. B decided he would move in. I guess I can handle him being a few miles away. That’s better than being all the way in Cali. And this will prevent any more credit problems. Now, I just have to see if I REALLY want what I’ve been begging…

I realized that in the last post I forgot to mention that after S found out about Clarissa and I talking and about me finding out EVERYTHING, he suggested we move to Georgia…to start over…FRESH. Me, wanting to make things work, I agree. We decide to up and and move to Ga. He turns in his two weeks notice and I immediately start applying for teaching positions there AND email my resignation to Ms. Walker! Now in the mist of all of this, I start to feel as if I could be pregnant, which prompts a serious convo between S and I. One of the most important points being that I would be pregnant with no insurance. This one fact slaps us with a reality check. Again in deperation I rush to the computer to check for a read receipt on the email that I sent Ms. Walker. To my surprise AND LUCK, the email had been returned undeliverable…I’d sent it to the wrong email address! So we were saved there. Needless to say, S’s resignation letter had been accepted.

When I think about it, I really believe his resignation from his job had more to do with his embarrassment more than anything there. Here he’d been flaunting his relationship with is other woman at work around these people (at least that’s what she said) and she brings them with her to clear out his apartment! Anyway, after it’s all said and done, he’s unemployed and back with me…Hhhmmmpphhh…