About Brashawn January 21, 2008

Here is the story about Brashawn that I mentioned but never got around to blogging about. Since I’ve had like, what, about 3 weeks to cool off, this post is going to be drastically different frow what it would have said had I typed it when this happened. Anyway, about 3 weeks ago I got a message from Brashawn asking me to call him. I call him back and realize his cell is off, so I’m thinking he’s probably upset because his phone is off. I call the house phone. It just so happens that I talked to Mother before I talked to him and she told me that he’s gotten mad with her because she wouldn’t let one of his girlfriend’s aunts claim him on her taxes so he could get money to pay his probation. WTF!!! (OK…I thought it was going to be different, but just thinking about this pisses me off!) Anyway, Mother tells him no. So when I talk to him I don’t tell him that I know anything and he starts whining about how mom needs to let this woman claim him on her taxes so he can get $650 so he can have money to pay his probation. He goes on to say that he’s not going to let mom “MESS ME OVER AGAIN THIS YEAR” like she did last year. Again, WTF???

After he’s done I calmly ask him why he thought she would go for that when and why he even thinks she should when SHE has been the one working and supporting him. Of course he didn’t want to hear this. I told him that I would have said no too. He starts talking about his probation and needing money and I stop him and tell him he needs to get a job to pay his own probation…mom did tell him to go out smoking and driving and getting arrested. He was the dumb ass so he needs to take care of it himself. And yes I tell him this. He gets mad and starts saying that’s why he doesn’t tell us anything because we always take each others’ side. I tell him to grow the hell up and to take responsibility for his own actions and if he wants someone to give him money for his probation, he needs to go to Rashawn and Tovia since he claims that the weed was theirs and he went to jail for them.

Then he starts talking about how my mom wouldn’t have anything if it wasn’t for his daddy! Now, I had to stop him in his tracks right there because he really rubbed me the wrong way then. I have seen my mama struggle and work too hard for him to even go there. My mama has ever needed a man to do a damn thing for her. Everything THEY (including their daddy) have, is because of my mama. She is the only one working in that house supporting their daddy, them, and two babies that she doesn’t have to support. And neither of their grown asses are working. I ask him can he support himself since he’s so mad about what’s going on and he says yes. So I tell him to pack his s*&% and get out since he can take care of himself. Yes, I’m am highly pissed and upset by this time and I’m going ballistic on him. Then I hang up.

Maybe I shouldn’t have put his daddy out like that. But I couldn’t stop myself. Who in the hell does he think he is? I was almost in my car and on my way to Corsicana that night. But I didn’t go. I almost called and apologized to him later because I did feel bad about how I talked to him, but I didn’t call him back. I was planning on letting him stew in it for a few days and then call, but of course, I forgot to call back. So it’s been about 3 weeks and I still haven’t talked to him. Oh well, he’s grown. He’ll get over it. Caz I’m definitely not going to apologize. He needs to grow up!

Now let me get back to my happy place! We are in day 2 of our move and we are almost done. We’ve gotten all of the furniture moved, now we just have to get the TVs and finish cleaning the apartment. The electricity still isn’t on at the house and isn’t expected to be on until tomorrow. We stayed at Meme’s last night and probably will tonight too. I won’t have my wireless connection over there, that’s the hood for ya, but I can deal with that being that I plan on docking my laptop to the desk anyone. So DSL will do. I will post a photo when I go back today. I took my camera to take pictures the other day and forgot to put the battery in it! :O

Away January 19, 2008

Well, we are moving out of this apartment! YAYYY!!! We got ourselves a house! I can’t wait to get settled. I even have an area for my studio! Well, it’s actually the formal living/dining area, but the way the house is built, that area is right next to the family area. So we don’t need both areas, so I get to use that as my studio. I already have lights and backgrounds cominng! Now I’ve got to get my camera.

With that being said, we are in the process of moving and I won’t have access to the internet until Tuesday at least.

Oh yea, I just realized that I never finished my story about Brashawn. No time to do it now. I will be sure and do it when I am able to log back on.

Pic of the day…my camera that I’m saving for! The Canon Rebel XTI. The Canon EOS D40 is my dream camera.

Sick Grown Folks January 17, 2008

OK…it has been 5 days and B is driving me nuts! He hasn’t ever been sick and now he has tonsilitis and you would swear that he is near death. I’ve been trying to be the good mommy and love him up and take care of him, but he is worse than the little ones! When D and K are sick, I have to literally make them lay down and rest because they still want to try and play. But him, he can’t even walk to the bathroom! Why is it when grown folks get sick they can’t function? When I’m sick, I can’t just stop and lay up. I still have meals to fix, bathes to give, a house to clean, kids to look after, and a husband to love. If I just stopped the house would shut down. There is no downtime for sick mommies!

Loving me January 17, 2008

How can I expect someone else to love me if I can’t TRULY love myself? There are many things that I love ABOUT myself. But do I truly love me? Loving me begins first with acceptance of me. Embracing all of my imperfections. Today I vow to fall in love with me…every inch of me.

Photo of the day…ME!

Ebay January 14, 2008

Ebay is addictive! I placed two bids today and already I’m hooked! I know this goes against everything that I said about us sticking to our budget. But I thought this was important in getting my business started and in the end, it will help our finances. Yeah, I’ll say anything to justify it!:) But really, it’s true. I bidded on a starting light kit and a backdrop with a stand. So far, I’m winning. If things stay as they are, I will get all of it for about $150! Which is great. I think I have a chance with the lights since this is the last day of bidding. Right now, my bid is $47.50. As for the backdrop, I’m winning, but I’m up to $71 bucks! Now, that’s not bad since the stand alone can cost more than $100. But this one is open for 5 more days. And I don’t know how far I’m willing to go in my bidding. It wouldn’t be a problem, but I placed an order from the outlet too! I wasn’t planning on it going through because my card is at it’s limit. But guess what! It did. It is shipping as we speak. Now, what’s next for me??? Figuring out how I’m going to explain all of this to S!!!!

I’m at work right now, should be working but I’m testing today and have a few minutes of time. I plan to post a photo later.

Updated to add photo for the day.

HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!! January 14, 2008

They sucked tonight!!! They go the whole season with a great record and then when it matters, they blow it!!! I just knew we were Superbowl bound. Oh well, there’s always next year…

Obsession… January 12, 2008

Why are so many of us, especially women, obsessed with our body images? Well, I know ALOT of it has to do with the images that we see that are plastered in front of us on a daily basis of women with the ideal body…whatever our vision of ideal is. Why do we as women, present company included, subject ourselves to all of the pressures of trying to transform ourselves into a model of perfection that we will never reach or be satisfied with? Why do we put so much effort into this when there is only ONE who is perfect?

People who don’t know me personally would probably be astonished that I’m even mentioning this topic. I’m 5′7″, 115 lbs, and a size 3/4. What do I have to complain about you ask? I’m too skinny! All of my life I’ve been skinny. For as long as I can remember I’ve tried everything that I can think of to gain weight; everything from stuffing myself beyond the point that I could tolerate it, shelling out money on Ensure and Boost, the high calorie smoothies, and even the old wives’ tale of eating and lying down afterwards. Nothing worked.

After having K in 2005, I was the largest I’d ever been, I’d finally gotten up to a size 12/14. I was loving my womanly hips and curves. My self-esteem was higher and I felt better about myself. But my newfound self-acceptance was short lived. Almost 2 years later, I lost it all in a matter of months. I wasn’t doing anything different, wasn’t eating differently or hadn’t become any more active than I’d already been. My body simply returned to its normal state. Needless to say, I was distraught over this and continue to struggle with my body image.

Why can’t we just be happy in our own skin? Why is it so hard to just accept who God, the only perfect being, made us to be? Why are we so consumed with being someone we are not meant to be? When and where does the madness end? Why can’t I just accept me for me and be happy with me?

Photo…my beautiful sister…who is so happy in her own skin…

Why do some co-workers just plain don’t give a damn? January 12, 2008

Get to work again today, wouldn’t you know it, Mc isn’t there again today! We just got back to work this week and she’s already been out 2 days. Come on! At least, have some respect for your teammates. Of course, we have to split her class, which meant our class did nothing. I feel so sorry for her kids. She’s really doing them a disservice. And she wonders why parents keep asking to have their kids removed from her class. She promised us that she would be at work and turn her lesson plans in on time now since she’s done with school. Bunch of bull! I love her to death as a person, but her work ethics suck and quite honestly, I’m fed up with it. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself.

If I could do it all over again… January 10, 2008

I would protect my credit rating. Many would probably think I’d say that I would not get pregnant if I could “redo” my life. No! My B is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. He is the reason I’m the person I am today. I truly believe that part of my life played out the way it was meant to be. I mean, it wasn’t like I was being promiscious or anything. Heck, most of my friends had been sexually active for years. A few since elementary school!!! Me, I get pregnant the first time. But look at my B. After many said I would fail, he has never been to jail; he hasn’t made me a granny at in my 30s as a few of my friends’ kids have done to them; he’s going to college; he’s filming commercials and starting to live his dreams. How dare anyone doubt me!

But I digress. Along with all of the courses we are required to teach in school, why hasn’t anyone ever thought to add financial planning/credit courses. Learning to plan for a solid, stable, secure future is just as relevant to choosing a career. Had that been the case, maybe I would have thought twice before getting those credit cards in college that I knew I shouldn’t have gotten in the first place. Maybe I wouldn’t have neglected to pay my student loans. Just maybe I wouldn’t be 35 years old, trying to clean up my credit so that my family can live comfortably.

The photo for today is of my beautiful boys. This is why I do it all over again, each and every day!

Missed yesterday… January 9, 2008

…but back today! That’s what happens when you have to go to work outside of the home. I never thought I’d want to be a SAHM…I’ve always needed that independence of making a check to help support my family. That’s all I’ve known to do. Being that I had B at the mere age of 15, all I’ve known is self reliance. Which was alot of the problem with S and I in our marriage. Not that I do anything to intentionally insult his manhood, who I am is who I am. I have never been one to “shuck and jive”. Whenever I set my mind to do something, I do it. Hell, how many 15 year old kids have babies, graduate in the top 10% of their class, earn a college scholarship, and graduate with 3 degrees? Not too many. So I think I have a little something to toot my own horn about.

So, why is it that I’ve been entertaining the idea of wanting to stay home. Not like it could even happen now, but all the same. I just hated getting up and leaving my baby yesterday when I went back to work. Walking out the door brought back those nostalgic memories of when I had to leave him to go back to work after my maternity leave. My breasts heavy with milk and my heart erupting in more sadness than I’d ever felt at leaving my children, I sat in my car and cried my eyes out in the parking lot of my job. That time I know it was more of my hormones. But I don’t know why I was tearing up yesterday. I just wanted to stay home with my boy. All the more reason for me to get busy on my photography. Can I really make this happen?

Don’t get me wrong. I love my job. I love how my 2nd graders laugh at my silly jokes. How they know the right things to say to make me laugh when my day isn’t going all that great even though I’m not supposed to let them know that but they know anyway because I wear my feelings on my sleeve. How they tell me they love me even though they’ve been scolded just a minute before. How they make drawings for me that I can’t for the life of me figure out what they are but I tell them that I love them anyway. I mean, I love my class. They are my kids too. Could I really walk away from this?

No pic for today…